How often do you find yourself wondering, “Why is my child so angry all the time?”

Could it be that their outbursts are more than just bad behaviour—perhaps they’re signals of unmet emotional needs?

What if understanding six simple human needs could unlock the secret to helping children manage their emotions?

Intrigued? Let’s dive into how the six human needs framework can transform the way we address childhood anger.

In my practice, I frequently work with children who struggle with anger and defiance. By exploring these six core needs—Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth, and Contribution—I’ve seen remarkable changes in how we can address and manage these behaviours. Here’s how the six human needs can help explain why a child might be reacting with anger and how we can use this knowledge to guide our interventions.

The Six Human Needs: A Framework for Understanding Behaviour

Tony Robbins popularised the framework of the six human needs, which goes beyond basic survival needs like food, water, and shelter. These needs relate to our emotional well-being, driving many of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Here’s a breakdown of how each need can help us understand anger outbursts in children:

1. Certainty (Feeling Safe)

Children crave safety and predictability. When their routines change suddenly, or their environment feels chaotic, they may react with frustration or anger. Studies on childhood development have shown that predictable routines and stability help children feel secure, while a lack of routine can lead to anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

Example: A child may have an anger outburst if their after-school routine suddenly changes without warning, leading to feelings of insecurity.

2. Uncertainty (Surprise and Fun)

While certainty is important, too much structure can make a child feel trapped or bored. Children also need variety, spontaneity, and opportunities for play and exploration. Research on play therapy supports this, showing how unstructured play can reduce stress and provide a healthy outlet for emotions.

Example: If a child’s day is overly structured and doesn’t allow time for creative play or trying new things, they may become frustrated and express this through anger.

3. Significance (Feeling Important)

Everyone, including children, needs to feel valued and significant. When children feel ignored or insignificant, they may act out to gain attention. This aligns with research from attachment theory, which demonstrates how children’s sense of self-worth is closely linked to how they are acknowledged by caregivers and peers.

Example: A child might throw a tantrum if they feel their opinions or needs aren’t being considered, as they strive for attention and validation.

4. Love and Connection (Feeling Close to Others)

Children thrive on connection. When they feel isolated, lonely, or disconnected, it can result in anger outbursts as a cry for attention. Studies show that strong emotional bonds with parents and caregivers provide the emotional security needed to regulate emotions more effectively.

Example: A child might become angry and act out if they feel left out at school or sense a lack of emotional connection with their family.

5. Growth (Learning New Things)

Children are naturally curious and need opportunities for learning and growth. If they feel stuck or unable to master a new skill, this frustration can turn into anger. Research shows that a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities to learn, can help reduce frustration in children.

Example: A child who is struggling to complete a difficult homework assignment might become angry because they feel they aren’t progressing or learning fast enough.

6. Contribution (Helping and Being Kind)

Children, like adults, find fulfilment in contributing to something greater than themselves. When they don’t feel they are making a difference or helping others, they may feel unimportant. A study on altruism in childhood found that helping others contributes to greater emotional well-being and reduced behavioural issues.

Example: A child might lash out if they aren’t given the opportunity to help around the house or participate in group activities at school, as they crave a sense of contribution.

Applying the Six Human Needs to Understand Anger

As an NLP Practitioner, you can use this framework to assess which of these needs might be unmet in a child experiencing anger outbursts. By asking key questions like “Does the child feel safe?” or “Is the child receiving enough attention and validation?” we can get to the root of their emotions and behaviours.

For instance, if a child is constantly angry and throwing tantrums, we might discover that they’re feeling a lack of Significance—perhaps they don’t feel heard or valued by their peers or family. Or, a child experiencing frustration and anger in school might have an unmet need for Growth—they feel stuck or unable to meet learning challenges, which leads to emotional outbursts.

Practical Solutions Based on the Six Needs

Once you’ve identified which of the six needs is unmet, the next step is addressing it:

• For Certainty: Create predictable routines to help children feel more secure.
• For Uncertainty: Incorporate more play, variety, and creative activities into their day.
• For Significance: Make sure to praise the child and recognise their efforts, even in small ways.
• For Love and Connection: Spend more one-on-one time with the child, showing affection and interest in their thoughts and feelings.
• For Growth: Encourage them to try new things and help them develop a growth mindset.
• For Contribution: Offer opportunities for the child to help out, whether at home or school, so they can feel they’re making a difference.

Conclusion: A Compassionate Approach to Childhood Anger

Understanding the six human needs gives us a powerful tool for interpreting children’s anger and emotional outbursts. Instead of seeing these behaviours as simply “bad,” we can view them as signals that an important emotional need is not being met. By addressing these needs in a compassionate, structured way, we can help children feel more balanced, secure, and understood.

References:

1. Bronson, M. (2000). Self-regulation in early childhood: Nature and nurture. Guilford Press.
2. Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. Routledge.
3. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss. Basic Books.
4. Ainsworth, M. D. (1979). “Infant-mother attachment”. American Psychologist.
5. Carter, C. S. (2014). Attachment and emotional regulation in children. Harvard Review of Psychiatry.
6. Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
7. Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2006). “Altruistic helping in human infants and young chimpanzees”. Science.

By embracing this holistic view of human needs, we can help children navigate their emotions and, ultimately, thrive.

Nicola McCay, NLP Practitioner

Email:Nicola@NLP4Kids.org

Phone: +44 07879601659 or +353 0873 707433